I can see again!

Three days ago I loss my glasses and even tho I don't need to wear them all the time I do need to wear them to read, watch TV , computer ect .So as long as I sat there and did not move or attempt to focus on anything I was fine....and it was a good excuse to just do that...or so I tried.. We tore this house apart and all we found was a nice collection of cat toys and Hot Wheels. I finally found the darn things in the bag with my curling iron. Not sure how they go there but I am no fool, the curling iron was surly involved in the plot with the rest of the appliances to kill me.

I have been saying this for years, the machines are rising up and they are doing it by hiding in the common things we have in our home. The microwave and I have come to an uneasy treaty but I still do not trust the bastard.

The glasses were hidden so I would be blinded to the full fled assault that was planned for last night. The TV in my room that has been happily sitting on my dresser for years decided that it was going to fall on me at 3 am. It was 2 against 1, the cable box was it's viscous side kick. I have a feeling they recruited a cat to help make the jump, the short fat tabby looks guilty today. The TV fought hard but after such a suicidal mission it's days have come to an end. Good thing I didn't pay for the damn stupid thing or I'd be really pissed.

Wait, no I am really pissed. I fall asleep every night to my beloved Craig Ferguson . I need my Craigy Freg so I am off now to devise a plan to steal the kid's TV. If that doesn't work I'll have to sleep on the couch and that will make the Hubby happy ,and we can't have that can we? I would not be a good wife if I wasn't annoying Sam at every possible moment.

So long story short I believe my glasses were returned as a sign of surrender, for now, until the electric tooth brush gets PMS again.

What Do Monkeys , Anne Rice and Chip Coffey All have in Common?

Maybe they a like banana ice cream? I have never met anyone who doesn't like a good banana ice cream. I am sure they are out there,the banana haters, they hang with the weirdos that don't like chocolate.

I started this blog because a few someones told me I should write a book.Considering not much can keep my attention for more than 5 minutes at once, the very thought of an entire book scared the hell out of me so I though I'd start small. Then like everything else my blog up and died. Summer happened and most of my days were filled with keeping my kid, who was now free from school, entertained, fed and alive. The time I was able to stuff him in bed I was so tired I often fell into a semi comatose state in front of bad reality TV shows until bed time.

My son is EXACTLY like his father. Not only do they look a like they both have the high energy function of a monkey on crack...were as I am more of a sloth on pot. From the time they wake in the morning they never stop moving, talking, eating or pooping. I often wondered if they had one of those disorders that have a lot of letters, like ADD or ADHD or XYZ or something like that...but no..the doctor says they are normal because somehow I still have managed to housebreak the both of them. I believed my years of working at a pet store has helped with that.If I can get a chronic masturbating monkey to stop making mess of my clean store windows I can make Sam use a napkin.

The Monkey was easier to train.

So having said that , I hope everyone can understand why I have accomplished next to nothing this summer. I was on full damage control mode until September 6 when my kid became the governments problem again.

Don't get me wrong here, I love my son. It is because I love him that I do spend my days consumed by all the craziness that is Alexander....just doesn't always leave time for all the craziness that is me...and that is probably a good thing because when I am trying to amuse myself bad things can happen...like cleaning out my closet.Yes that was a traumatic event. Six bags full of garbage and one broken shop Vac latter and it was done ,but it was a horrid event that must never be spoken of again.

It has been a long tern goal of mine to write a book about some of the things I have lived through...and still do ( Trust me, my neighbors are still freaks just the status updates have slowed down due to complaints that I was spamming.) I just needed a kick in the butt. I received the encouragement I need from not other than the goddess of writing herself, Ms. Anne Rice. She is very active on facebook and often response to peoples comments and questions so I gave it a shot . I asked her some questions and we had a very informative chat via facebook. I am sure the advice she gave me was the same she gives to many hopeful writers but the fact she took time to respond and answer me personally is very cool.

Don't ever let anyone tell you facebook is a waste of time, it is all in how you use it. I have been able to have discussions with 2 of my favorite authors and several other people I admire like Chip Coffey, who I met in person 2 weeks ago and fell in love with. I could pick him up and put him in my pocket he is just that cute! Oh and lets not forget that I have connected with a whole bunch of friends who I plan on brainwashing to follow the awesomeness that is me :)

Chip Coffey and Moi!

What NOT to stick up your Nose and that includes the kitchen sink

Have you missed me? I have missed me. I have been in a perpetual bad mood for about 2 months now and the only person who I wanted to talk to was myself, and I have discovered I can be quiet a bitch so I have decide to go back to seeing other people.

Not sure what brought on my crankies, bad weather, PMS, the cold I had that just would not go away..but a few thing have happened to snap me out of it. First my friend Nikki has decided to smarten up and move back to Nova Scotia.AND I am finally going to Prince Edward Island to pay homage to the great Anne of Green Gables.

I also had a death scare. Yep I saw the light.

Now to be fair the light was actually on my kitchen ceiling and I didn't see Jesus or any family just a bunch of dead flies and dust bunnies ,but it was mind blowing all the same.

Some idiot decided that menthol nasal spray was a good idea.If YOU think it is a good idea I want you to go into your kitchen and get some peppermint oil and shoot it up your nose or take some Buckleys cough syrup and give it a good snort. It may unclog you sinuses but it also unclogs every other orifice in your face .My eyes burned so bad I couldn't see what I was doing. I just knew I had to make it stop so I decided to stick my face under the running water in the kitchen sink. Not seeing very well because my brain was on fire and the slobber was clouding my vision, I knocked my forehead right into the faucet. The next thing I knew I was on the kitchen floor, drowning in slobber looking up at the light. Yes my friends, I was knocked out by the kitchen sink.

Being beat up by household objects is not a new thing to me.I have a long standing feud with both my toaster oven and electric tooth brush, even the kitchen clock attempted to take me out once...but they never came as close as the sink did that day. Almost getting whacked by an inanimate object does make you think tho..After that not only was my cold gone but also my bad mood. When I realized what happened I could do nothing but laugh, one of those really go hurting kind of laughs. The next I bought myself some flowers and started planning Alexanders birthday party and got on with life the way it should be. I haven't done the dishes since tho..I been making Sam do them, I am secretly hoping the kitchen sink will knock some since into him ;)

Redneck Blue Moon

Last night Sam and I got to go out on a date.Nothing to fancy, nice restaurant with good food, walk along Halifax's water front and of course we ended at the "Second Cup" for coffee. Thats were Sam gave me my Mother's day gift early, a pretty pink copper turquoise ring under a big blue full moon.




To protect MR UNDIES identity we did not take a picture of his face but you need to note he was also sporting a very large bushy beard and a truckers hat to complete the look. He appeared to be only about 20 years old and already he look like one of Sam's crazy redneck drunken uncles.

This my friend is the reason why low rise jeans should be made illegal.

OK I know I am know goddess of fashion and should never make fun of what anyone wears but I do make sure that my butt is fully covered. All my rolls in their glory maybe stuffed under something bright pink and flashing but you will never see my undies...ever.

Doesn't he feel the breeze? Not once did he stand up to yank up his pants. And this has been the style for how long? Guys have been wearing their pants down around their knees for years now. Even the very comfy and particle Crocs shoes did not stay in style that long.

For many years I worked security and my favorite use to be guys that would come in and shoplift wearing these baggy pants. They would attempt to run down the mall trying to hold their pants up, most of the time they couldn't hold onto them and they would trip and fall flat on their face.Made my job that much easier. You think if they were going into the mall to steal stuff they might want to wear track pants and shoes that they tie up. Apparently untied shoes that are too big are also a fashion statement. I am beginning to think that the real fashion statement is falling flat on your face.Then I stand corrected, I am the queen of fashion because I do tripping and falling very well.

SO apparently we have a peeping Tom in the neighborhood...again.So I now have no excuse not to finish the new curtains I have been avoiding for the past 2 months.My sewing machine and I have a love hate relationship. I think it is trying to kill me, that is if the toaster oven doesn't get me first. I come from a family of electricians so one would think I would know how to safely handle things , but I rather play in traffic than plug in my kettle.

Or I could Just Tie one of My Cats To My Head

I have decided to move to England. Not because of the food, or the weather ( I hear both are pretty terrible but I do love me some fish and chips) I am moving to England because of the hats!

As much as I wanted to see what Kate was wearing in this mornings Royal Wedding I ended up being more fascinated by what was on the guest heads. All except for the Prime ministers Wife who wore none ..she must of forgotten what country she lived in. Our own Canadian Prime minister was invited but did not go because he wanted to focus on the upcoming election.

Hahahahahahahahaahhahaha!!!!!

Please MR. Harper, you ain't fooling anyone. At this point there is nothing you can do to win more votes unless you stand on your head and spit loonies.The fact you skipped out on the event of a decade only convinces me further that you are not human but a battery operated cardboard cut out. Agree or disagree with the way the man runs the country aside, I think we can all agree that Harper is as exciting as old toast.And you know what happens to old toast? It eventually ends up made into stuffing to be shoved up an ass, preferably a turkey, a turkey we call Michael Ignatieff .

Well enough about politics I need to eat soon, lets get back to the hats! Which I am sure some of them use to be turkeys, because there was plenty of dead animals on top of those rich peoples heads. I think they are on to something with these crazy hats, or "fascinators' as they are called in the high fashion world. If you are wearing something big and crazy on your head no one will take much notice to a bad hair day, or that bit of grey that is showing.

Remember during the american president Obama's inauguration Aretha Franklin wore that hat with the huge bow? Did anyone notice if she put on a few pounds? Had a couple of pimples? Looked tired? Nope, all they could see was one huge hat that people talked about for months.

Me thinks I will start a new trend here in my ghetto. Since the only dead animals around are pigeons I think I will have to get my feathers from the dollar store....along with some glitter glue.I love glitter glue almost as much as blue sticky stuff. I'll make one for Sam too.

I have blue sticky stuff on my mind

Alexander came home today wearing one of his indoor shoes and one of his outdoor shoes, both of them were the left feet. He also had someone else's lunch box and his shirt was tucked into his underwear that was pulled up to his armpits.And people ask my why I did not put him into French immersion. I just want my kid to come home with everything we sent him to school with and still dressed ...we'll work on learning a second language latter.

When I was in school we did not have the option of French immersion until grade 7 but now they like to start kids early. Makes sense I suppose, the younger you are the easier it is too pick up a second language.My primary teacher had a thick Indian accent and now every time I get a telemarketing call I think of the time I ate a whole bottle of glue and threw up on the kid who sat behind me... oh and my obsession with that blue sticky stuff teachers used to hang things on the wall. I loved that stuff, I wonder if they still make it? I have to go look now. Just think of the stuff I could stick up around everywhere with that! I am going to make "lost ,reward if found" posters of all my neighbors to hang up on lamp polls and then watch the freaks run around looking for each other! It will be almost as fun as last years scavenger hunt through the dumpsters.

Maybe I should of put Alexander in French immersion so he can have the best chance of getting a good job and not living in a neighborhood were the wealthiest person is not the buddy who sells oranges on the side of the 103 highway.....who also wears his undies up to his armpits.

I am not worried about Alexander, the kid is already smarter than me, he has a grasp on basic math that I didn't have until high school and he already spells better than his Dad....and he knows his way around a computer better than I do so he can help me make the posters to but up around the street :)

Coffee Filled Easter Eggs

Why would anyone spend 120$ on a coffee maker that only brews one cup at a time when you can get a machine that will do an entire pot for about 10 bucks ? And who are these people who only drink one cup of coffee at a time anyways? They must not have kids or need to get up early in the morning...or work for a living...or need to function at all.

  I guess these machines must have the ability to do fancy coffee at home. You know the kind made with too much milk and taste like a hot melted candy bar so not only does your brain buzz from caffeine you have a sugar high.  I love those kinds of coffees. If I had a fancy coffee machine at home I definitely would weigh 500lbs and never sleep again. I might get all my laundry done then...

 Speaking of too much sugar,  today is Easter so Happy Easter ! The Easter bunny was cheap this year, not too much candy. Thats because the Easter Bunny values this Mothers sanity and knows that it only takes one or two M&M's to turn her sweet little boy into a devil. We will also be celebrating this holiday at the Church of Canada (aka Tim Horton's) because we have been up since 5 am. We've already had the little hyper devil out flying a kite and on his new scooter and shows no sign of slowing down. Daddy has already slowed down because he decided to get his old fart self on the scooter then use his face to stop himself.